HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY MUM

Today my mum turned 40!!! She didn't like the song I made up though -
Ya old
Ya grey
Ya never say wahey
Its ya birthday....

The world of Jess at the moment

Hellloooo blog readers! Well what is happening in the life of Jess at the moment is that I have been thinking, thinking about what reaction my family may give if I tell them my biggest secret and also what they will think of me after I do! I'm also scared of telling my most of my friends as they already have a strong opinion on me at the moment and I think they may change it soon after. I told my friend that I had come out to some else and I hadn't realised that people from school could read, so I fell out flat on my face with one person knowing. But I've also been having second thoughts on the whole thing all together, I've been questioning myself (which happens quite a lot) if I'm really being 100% truthful and not just saying I'm something else just because I don't want to admit the full truth. Anyways, I was counting the amount of months in front of one of my friends and she was asking what i was counting, I refused to tell her because she probably wouldn't believe me.
Anyways what I was trying to get at is, A true friend will always stay with you no matter what and a fake friend will take a look at the true you and just sod off because they don't like it! This is also why I've kept a mask on for so long.
I'm also wandering if it's true that there is someone for everyone out in the world and I keep asking myself why have I been so unlucky finding this someone so far? Everyone around me has found theirs, so for the time being I'm going to stick with my ducks
AU REVOIR TOUT LES GENS POUR MAINTENANT

RIP MAZ <3

Well about 3 months ago one of my closest friends past away because she had phnuemonia (cant spell) and 2 other things which I cant remember as they have long names. Sadly , ive been told after only about a few days in hospital and getting put on a life support, she passed away on the 27th of October. This was an amazing day turned to the worst day in my life so far! My sister got a phone call by her friend at 10:30 saying that Maz (our friends mum and really close friend) had been put in hospital a few days earlier but got her life support turned off and sadly passed away at around 6:30 that morning. I couldn't cry then as I hate showing my emotions infront of my friends and I was in so much shock but later that day I couldn't stop crying at all because it was slowly sinking in that I will never see her again. However, I got through my mourning by thinking of all the amazing times we had such as when she danced with us when her daughter was playing in a concert and when they both came round for bonfire night and we all laughed so much! I went to her funeral and as soon as I saw her coffin I couldn't stop crying! After the funereal I saw her daughter and gave her a big hug and saw my friend from school and gave her a really big hug because we were still in big shock! I will never forget her and her daughter, husband and the rest of her family are still here to preserve her memory. It was sweet to see her nephew there being the man of the family and keeping everyone the right side of depression and her daughter there keeping her spirit alive. Your an amazing role model for life because you always had a smile no matter what you felt like and your laugh will keep replying in my mind, our signature laugh!!
RIP Marian you will never be forgotten and you will always have a place in my heart no matter what happens!!!!!! <3 13/05/63 - 27/10/11

My amazing friend, KIRA

Me and my friend Kira met back when we were in year 8 which was when we were 12 yrs old! I didn't actually know then how much she would mean to me then but we grew closer and now I'm thinking I can't actually get rid of her, not like I would want to at all. She's already said she wants most of my money if I become famous and everytime she comes round my house she eats the food, the sign of a true best friend when you can't find any nice food left in the building. Anyway, I now wouldn't know what to do if I never saw her again as she has a place in my heart forever and is like my sister or whatever cheesy line people may come up with!!! These are a few pics of us plus a few extras in some of them! I LOVE YOU KIRA!!!! :D <3

My friendship stuff

A friend sees part of the problem and solves a little, a best friend sees the whole problem and helps solve it standing by you the whole time!

A friend sees your upset and cheers you up till they see you starting to get happy, a best friend sees your upset and cheers you up completely and goes that extra but further.

When you have an argument with a friend that means the end of the road most of the time, when you have an argument with a best friend you get over it straight away and laugh about it after!

Once your a friend, you stay a friend no matter what! Unless you decided to be annoying , then you can find the door. But a best friend will always be stuck in the heart no matter what happens!

I love my amazing friends!! I don't know what I would do without them and they are probably the only thing keeping me stable! I would only tell my best friends my secrets, like my sexuality and if there's something going on.

Friends

I have found out recently that if you go and sit with the people you normally do all the time you slowly grow out of trying to talk to them, for example, my friends play cards at break times and sometimes they ask me but I find it boring so I talk to others around me. However I found out that doing this can lead to some people wanting your attention and not really letting me talk to others. Today I decided to go stand out on the football pitch with my best friend and just act like a loony, and I found this a lot more fun than sitting just staring at my phone for an hour. I'm also having fun talking to the German students who have come over for a few months as they are funny to talk to and they take the micky out of me when I try and speak a little german which normally consists of me saying schokoladenkuchen. But at the moment I'm loving just spending more time with my best friend and texting the most amazing person ever in break/ lunch or my frees.

Little tale

I thought I might share a little experience with you all-

A little while ago I felt really depressed because I was going through the stage where I wanted to know why my mum and dad got a divorce because I was curious. I found out that my dad was hardly ever here and they just fell out of love. I also got the impression that he wasn't here because he didn't want me and never really wanted me. I got this because when I go to his house he used to hardly speak to me or go near me. So I came home one day when I was so angry and upset and just wanted to self harm. I had to stop because the teacher I talk to a lot got concerned and saw I was wearing loads of long sleeved clothing. And also two of my friends found out.
My tale ends by me stopping and now telling you to never try doing it. All it does is scar you forever and doesn't make you feel any happier! I get depressed a lot thanks to family issues but I deal with it differently now.

Stuff

Heyyyyyaaaaa people, I haven't blogged in ages!! So in the past 4 days I have been at school doing stuff for my a-levels. On Monday I was Silent most of the day because I was so tired, Tuesday I was kinda the same but when it came to french I was so scared because I was meant to do my speaking but got out of it! Wednesday I was pulled out of the common room because of my sister had an allergic reaction to something and I was so scared for her. I then got home and found out my granma may have something wrong with her again. Wednesday was not a good day at all! Then today I made a new friend but the only problem is I can't pronounce her name, she's from germany and she's in my French and geography class. I have also finished my media coursework for the print side which made my day slightly better till I had French and got basically treated like a 5 year old! I also put two red hair extensions in my hair.
Anyways tomorrow should be better seeming that I have my very lovely graphics teacher first and then a geography test, then French test and ballet after school.

Life

Well today I've been thinking, will I ever find anyone! I don't know why but I've felt really lonely recently and I keep wondering about life. This keeps bringing me down and also I keep asking myself one question, this is also making me think too hard and not concentrate on school work! Another thing is I'm looking forward to my granma moving back but she's not the same and she's getting worse everytime I see her. So at the moment I'm going down hill and becoming depressed again.
Sorry for this really weird blog, everyone smile and be happy

My day

So today I had two lessons at school and then me and my friend went into town to do a lil bit of shopping. We went to a few shops and then we got to a shoe shop which had some shoes I've been looking at for a couple of months. I didn't want to buy them because I feel guilty spending my money, so I walked away. Then we went into claires and Who You Are came on, I told my friend we were going to stay until the song had finished until but after a few minutes I asked her if we could leave because I normally cry listening to that song. She asked why I did but I couldn't bring myself to tell her that it was that song that actually helped me come out and it felt really personal.
After we said bye to each other, I met my friend and then we went to ballet and hurt our feet and tried to get back into shape. Then I came home and just got angry and then got cheered up by someone awesome!!! My beautiful sunshine!! I love her loads because she always cheers me up and she doesn't have to do much. Anyways thats me day sorry if it's bored you but yer.

School soon

On thursday I go back to school, I have to remember a lot of things before then and also do a lot of homework! However at the moment I'm finding it hard to remember everything as I'm scared about my granma and its around the time she had her stroke and apparently she's due to have another soon. But on the plus side I will be able to see her more in February.
Random lil blog there :)

Random thing

I have this thing where every so often I will start crying, I have tried to figure out why and I think it's because I feel I have been let down so many times by people and I just feel really sad when someone promises something and they never live up to it. I know it's also because I wasn't true to myself for a couple of years when I knew I was different from my friends. But one day this will hopefully stop and I won't cry when I feel like I've been kinda hurt and I will probably tell my friends so I can be more positive with myself.
The words I keep in mind - JUST BE TRUE TO WHO YOU ARE. and also Pack up your troubles!.....

My new year resolutions

This year I have decided to make a few goals to live up to

1- be happy more and try not to be as angry as I was last year

2- try to be true to who I am! I haven't told many people I'm Bi and I would love to tell anyone but I'm scared they would judge me more than they do at the moment!

3- have more fun

4- try harder to reach my targets at school and in dance so I can have a good future

That's a few of them at the moment

Start of the year

So 2012 has now arrived and we're on the second day, and so far the world hasn't ended yet so the people who said that was really wrong! Anyway, so far I have ended up hurting my sister, my step mum and my dad as we decided to throw stuff at each other last night which ended up with sweets and nuts flying across the room and ending up near the front door. Some also hit very hard against bodies which didn't go down well with everyone this morning! I didn't have any alcohol to drink going into the new year so I'm going to have some when I return to my mums house. Anyways that's the first 2 days of this year